i found a story today in the Washington Post and cut some shit and rearranged to get this... i think it needs some more tweaking, but so far so good.
Disappearing as they arrived
wayward whales
up
mother and calf cruised 70 miles
Tuesday off Tirburon
exhaustive effort
into southern waters
backsides bearing ship wounds
delighting spectators
worrying scientists
health deteriorates
in freshwater environment.
4 comments:
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DON'T DO IT!! They'll steal your soul!
as my grandmother used to say:
it was the heat of the moment,
telling me what your heart meant,
it was the heat of the moment,
show in your eyes...
-SLAMMA-JAMMA!!
yay! whale poem! there are obviously (duh) some awesome phrases in that shit, and (tho you didn't ask for it) my advice would be to keep fucking around with it, moving things around. one of the reasons for that is (this isn't advice or WHAT-HAVE-YOU any more, it's just me thinking, and typing, which I like) that you've altered the text of the original article, the original story of something that actually happened (which was totally fucking sweet), and the next step, i think, is to alter that original sense of the thing that happened, which you've preserved in this draft.
that probably doesn't make any, or much, sense. what i mean is, tho you've cut a bunch of stuff, it's still the story in the newspaper. but i mean, all of us out here in readingland (me, at least) want to see where else it can go. the great thing about writing a poem, i think, and especially these kinds of poems, is the exponential possibility that is all in there in the combinations and recombinations of the words.
I mean, the great thing about poetry is you can do seriously ANYTHING. For example, writing the whole poem backwards becomes:
environment freshwater in
deteriorates health
scientists worrying
spectators delighting
wounds ship bearing backsides
waters southern into
effort exhaustive
Tiburon off Tuesday
time Pacific 8:40 PM
miles 70 cruised calf and mother
heartland Sacramento up
whales wayward
arrived they as disappearing
Now, that kinda sucks, if you ask me. But whatever. because now I'm going to fuck it up some:
no river water in
terror sheath
worrying worrying
our scientist spectator
his wounded shipsides
bearing south
into effort house
off Tuesday
8:40 PM Pacific time
70 miles of mothers
arrived then wayward
whales disappearing
And then, since I feel like it, I'm going to rearrange the lines (the words have already been dealt with, for now...). If each of the lines was numbered, 1-12, i'm going to shift their order to 1,12,2,11,3,10, etc. etc:
no river water in
whales disappearing
terror sheath
arrived and wayward
worrying worrying
70 miles of mothers
our scientist spectator
at 8:40 PM
his wounded ships
crawling with Tuesdays
bearing south
in effort house
So, I changed it a little, but now it's pretty far away from the news article, which is what I was going for. And of course, if it were my poem, it would go into the drawer forever until I pulled it out and smacked it around some, etc. etc., until I liked it. Or it would eventually be used solely for its organs, to be transplanted into other poems that need them more. Gross.
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